"Giving up doesn't always mean your weak. Sometimes it just means you're strong enough to let go."-Taylor Swift
This quote doesn't just apply to outgrowing the people you've considered close friends, it can also mean people you've tried so hard to maintain a relationship with, no matter who it may be.
But in my case, this is about friends. I'll be the first to admit that I've felt broken before in many of my past friendships and I had no one to turn to. I think these are how I build up all my insecurities.
"Am I too boring?"
"Am I not that outgoing?"
"What am I possibly doing wrong?"
Loads of different questions pop into my mind when I feel as if my friends are drifting away from me. I've come to realization that not everyone will like me or accept me. It wasn't my fault; it wasn't their fault either. We simply just weren't meant to interact with one another. We were like north and south.
When I found a group of friends who had similar interests as me, I finally felt appreciated. But then, most of the people in that group have drifted away from me. I tried so hard to patch the friendships up and I spent months thinking of elaborate ways to get them to like me again. I beat myself up with all the things I was facing at the moment. Even more questions popped into my mind:
"Why is this happening again?"
"Maybe I don't need friends."
"I just want someone to like me."
"Worst case scenario, I'll be sitting in the teacher lounge during lunch hours because I don't belong anywhere."
True story, I actually did debate for a fairly long period of time whether or not I should just sit with my English teacher at lunch, gossiping about other students. I mean, what was I supposed to do?
After that friendship backfired, I turned to a group of people who I've known since we were in 1st grade. I was best friends with the "queen bee" of the group but she eventually got tired of me, and I got tired of her. I became friends with her little clique once again, and I had high hopes with this group of people. I've known them for basically forever, we have most of the same classes together, and they were all so easy to talk to. Why not try it?
Well, I'll be looking for a new group of people to be friends with because these people have lost interest in me too. My best friend started hanging out with the people I think of as a bad influence. And I know I am going to sound like a clingy mother, but I'm worried for her. I don't want her mixing in with the wrong crowd. Her new friends are too outgoing, too extravagant, much more interesting than I could ever be. I feel awkward now whenever I talk to her, that is if she gives me the time of day. I come up with terrible conversation starters like, "I have a headache", "I don't feel good", "how was your day". Everything seems to be about her now. That question, "how was your day", gives her a pass to start talking about every single problem she has. How bad her day is, all of her boy troubles, all of her daddy issues. She never lets me talk, just respond to her problems with pity and advice, as if I were her psychiatrist.
It hurts a lot, not having anyone to turn to when you've been hurt so many times. It hurts to be excluded, it hurts to feel unwanted, it hurts when the people you care about the most think you are not worth their time.
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."- Alexander Graham Bell
If any of you are feeling the same things as me, know that you aren't alone by any means, I'll be here for you Xx